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Ask FlyLady Archive!
This is our archive of the previous weeks Ask FlyLady questions and answers. If you missed a question from last week, this is the place to find it.
Ask FlyLady is one of our favorite parts of FlyLady.net. We get so many questions sent to us everyday, that we have decided to share some of these questions and FlyLady's answers with you. You may be surprised by what she has to say! Enjoy.
Friday, November 28, 2008
CHAOS...
Dear FlyLady,
I do love the Christmas season Flylady, but I have somewhat of a dilemma. My DSIL is the type of personality which everything has to be perfect, there has to be fancy food cooked by her with no outside help (although we sit bored in her kitchen on Christmas day and offer help left and right). She only shops at certain stores and would not dream of buying clothing elsewhere. (Certain stores being out of my budget and elsewhere being, Target, Walmart and JCPenney)
So in my special way, I have made many gifts for her at the holidays which she truly loved and uses..(I guess I shouldn't tell her I got the supplies at WalMart huh?) The very last time I made her a gift. A crossed stitched table runner in a pretty tulip design, she was so worked up about the fact that she was running late (her microwave was not on time, it was set for 1:00 (one minute) she thought it was 1 o'clock for several hours...) Worked up is not the right word, she was near to tears but still would not accept any help so we stopped offering.
We gathered to open gifts at her request and she popped in to oohh and aahhh at stuff. When it was her turn to open our gift, which was topped with a school picture of my son, she looked at the picture and thanked us and then panicked at something she needed to do in the kitchen without finishing opening her gift. She never did open it. After a tearful, on her part, meal (the first dish came out at 6:30 and the rest of the meal followed dish by dish for 45 minutes, so we ate each dish as it was delivered (all of us including her husband as we were supposed to be sitting down to eat at 3 and we were HUNGRY). I felt really bad for her that day, but short of tying her down to help there was nothing she wanted me to do to help.
The following day we had the follow-up call of thanks, etc where she once again oohd and aahhd over the school picture and thanked my son for it and there was no mention of the table runner. She told us that after we had left she was left to clean up the kitchen all by herself (mother martyr, no pity from me, we offered many times) and then to clean up all the gift wrap and boxes and she was so mad that she just didn't even save any of the good boxes and bags, she threw them all away. So I knew where my table runner went..the dump. I actually never called her on it, she felt bad enough, but now I was mad at her and that feeling rears it's ugly head each holiday season. Her perfectionism has dulled my enjoyment of the holidays with her. Now I buy her a gift card to a kitchen store she likes, but it is not a from the heart gift, it is a "cop out". Any other time of the year when we spend family time together, I will sit in her kitchen talking to her while she prepares and offer to help as I always do and will continue to do. I don't have these deep hurt feelings that always rouse at Christmas. I am defensive and anxious before we even walk in the door at Christmas. It is not even Halloween and I am dreading Christmas day. I WANT to make gifts this year, hers included, but why can't I let go of my "perfectly justified dread"? Is this another form of perfection rearing it's ugly head. Why am I allowing one person to do this to me?
Any advice?
M
Dear Friend,
Well you are not going to want to hear this one! You are now playing the martyr. Your martyrdom has hurt you not her. You are acting no better than she is. Deep down inside you may have wanted her to fail. She is no different from any of us. She wants to present the picture perfect holiday gathering and all she did that day was set herself up for failure. You didn't help her because of this deep down feeling that she is better than you. Well even when I am at Kelly's and she is cooking to beat the band. I do try to stay out of her way but I push myself into the kitchen sink and make a sink full of hot soapy water and wash dishes as fast as I can to keep up with her cooking. We have it down to a science. I may not be cooking but I am helping and we are having fun talking and stuff is getting done. Then we can all relax and enjoy the dinner conversation when the meal is finished and we don't have a ton of dishes waiting to be washed.
Your sister-in-law is a SHE; no different from any of us. We have all fallen into this trap and wanting to be the hostess with the mostess. Then on top of everything else; your martyred attitude didn't see an opportunity to finish unwrapping the gift for her and put it back under the tree. You knew she was frazzled and you allowed it to happen. You could have even told her about the runner the next day when she called and she may have been able to retrieve it from the trash but you did not. Do you see how you set yourself up for this? All she did was want to have a picture perfect meal and we are all guilty of this.
You are not allowing this one person to do this to you! You are doing this to yourself by not sitting down and having a conversation with your sister-in-law. You are doing this to yourself by not telling her about our Holiday Control Journal and how babysteps can have you cruising through the holidays. You are doing this to yourself by not being honest with the mistakes you made in this situation. You can have a great holiday dinner by loving her enough to be honest and in your own way helping her. You know what FLYing has done for you! Why not share the joy! Even if she is not ready; she may be more willing to accept your help. If nothing else; give her this email and send her to our website. I will do the rest.
Here is a cute comic strip from November 22, 2006 It is about a controlling hostess! We might as well laugh!
http://www.gocomics.com/cathy/2006/11/22/
- FlyLady
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Mocha...
Dear FlyLady,
A year or two ago Flylady posted a recipe for mocha mix. It used powdered milk, instant coffee, cocoa and sugar, I think. My almost 12 year old daughter would like to make some to use for teacher gifts this Christmas.
My recipe organization is much better than it was before Flylady and Saving Dinner, but it isn't that "P" word. (perfect) Could you please send the recipe?
By the way the Flylady calendar has been so very helpful to her. She is enjoying the student stickers. She is keeping up with her own activities this year. Now she is starting to decide if she has time for some activity or another. It makes for much less conflict in our house if she can see for herself what needs to happen and when. I know she likes it if I have to ask her when she needs to be someplace. Would I pretend not to know just to let her feel in control ? :-)
Dear Friend,
Do you have a favorite comfort drink? I like hot cocoa or cafe mocha and sometimes tea. My favorite thing to do is sit with a cup in my hand and hug it. I am very particular about the feel of my cups. Also I have different cups for my moods. LOL I thought everyone did.
When I get up in the morning I put on a kettle of water to simmer on the back burner all day if I am home. Then when I want a cup of my favorite drink, the water is always ready for me.
I have to tell someone. I have two white squirrels on my back porch gorging themselves on sunflower seeds. We are truly blessed.
Back to my story of the tea pot. I just found a wonderful insulated teapot at the last auction we attended. I love it, I had been looking for months for just my special teapot. My favorite drink is Cafe Mocha. I make up my own mix and keep on the counter all the time. Ready to scoop and savor the flavor. I don't like the expensive package mixes. I tell myself it is healthy, because it has powdered milk in it.
1 part instant coffee (hazelnut, decaf or reg, vanilla)I like Tasters Choice
2 parts Nestles Quik. LOL
3 parts nonfat dry milk. Carnation dissolves the best. I have tried store brands. Not happy.
Stir and keep in glass canister. I make a big mixing bowl of it. I also keep a can of non fat whip cream in the refrigerator to squirt on top. I love to spoil me. Since I have been watching my sugar intake, I have changed the Nestles Quick to Hershey's Cocoa and Splenda. I am still playing with this.
- FlyLady
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Flu Season...
Dear FlyLady,
We are coming up on a nasty flu season; what are we to do when our family gets hit with this?
Concerned FlyBaby with children
Dear Friend,
Are you prepared for those nasty stomach viruses that can sometimes invade your home? You know the ones where you are up all night holding your baby's head. Not to mention cleaning up the beds, steam cleaning the carpet and doing laundry in the wee hours of the morning. Multiply this by every member in your home; it is not a day at the beach. I want to help you turn a rough night into just a bad dream instead of a nightmare.
When the bug attacks your family it is usually in the middle of the night and you can't run to the pharmacy; you need to have the necessary supplies at your finger tips. Keep in mind that you can get dehydrated very quickly if this starts happening in your home. So what do you need to have on hand? Grab one of your old beach bags and gather up the items that your family is going to need.
Ask your doctor. When my son was little, sports drink was just about the only thing that would replace electrolytes. Now there is Pedialite and popsicles for the children and many other kinds of sport drinks. There are some over the counter medicines that will help to stop the throwing up and queeziness: we used Emotrol. So ask your doctor what is best for your family and keep it on hand.
So what do you do? After the initial explosion, it is time to clean up. The longer it stays on the bed and in the carpet the worse this is going to be; a small handheld carpet steamer is going to make your life easier. While are cleaning up you still have to make a place for your babies to rest: a little air mattress that blows up quick can be put
in the bathroom or close by for those emergency situations. Poor babies! By the way, nothing says I love you like a clean toilet at this time. Also a handy garbage can for those times that you can't get there! You may even want to give them a little incentive for hitting the bucket. Children may not feel well but if they think they are going to get some money for each good hit then you could put a smile on their face.
At time when the whole family is in distress, it may be good to have a sheet in your control journal that outlines what to do, just in case you are the one who is sick and your spouse is in charge. Barking out orders when you feel bad doesn't come across well. So if it is written down and you have everything on hand, there is no panic.
What food do you keep on hand? My pediatrician always told us to only feed the baby clear soups and diluted juices. This means no noodles. One food that my granny used to fix for us was a very simple potato soup. Take a potato and grate it in a saucepan, add water to cover over it a little and a bit of salt and cook it is done; only a few short minutes. Remember don't feed your family grape juice or red cranberry juice; that makes an even bigger mess to clean up. There are white versions of both of these. Dry toast, crackers and plenty of TLC and you will be back to normal in a few hours. Put some of these things in your beach bag.
Use your internet to read up and print out the signs for dehydration. Keep this in your Control Journal. The one sign I know is about the skin on top of your hand. If you pinch it, it will stay pinched up. Keep your doctors phone number in your Control Journal too. As their little throat gets raw, try to get them to drink some water that is cool; maybe one ice cube in it, just before they throw up. The cool water actually feels good to the back of the throat, especially if they have nothing else in their tummy but hot stomach acid. This
works for morning sickness too. I am not a doctor or a nurse, but we all have to play these roles when this hit our family. Talk to your doctor about medications, set up an emergency sheet for your Control Journal that tells anyone what to do and then just stay calm and watch for signs of dehydration. Don't forget your doctor's phone numbers on this sheet and wash your hand often.
When the stomach flu rages in your home, those old towels become a valuable asset. As you upgrade your regular towels, keep a few of the old ones for times like this. An old beach towel makes a great cover for that air mattress and another one will make a blanket to cover up with. It is never fun when you are dealing with the whole family in sick mode, but you can get through it, with a little thinking about this right now. The sand bucket can catch those accidents when your baby can't make it to the bathroom. Then you can use the little sand shovel to scoop up the misfires. What a day at the beach!
- FlyLady
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Paper Paper everywhere...
Dear FlyLady,
What do I do with the mountains of drawings and paintings etc that my DD (6) and DS (9) have made and are continuing to make ? I feel that if I throw them away, I am somehow throwing away a part of their childhood/babyhood. I have boxes and baskets of their stuff just taking up space & not being loved or cherished.
A fly baby in the land of Oz.
Dear Friend,
Paper Paper everywhere and all we want to do is organize it! When are we ever going to learn that we can't organize clutter; we can only get rid of it. I am not an unsentimental ogre but we cannot hold on to every single sheet of paper that our children bring home from school. There has to be a limit.
Here is how I feel is a good way to stay on top of the barrage of paper clutter that comes through our doors from school. Establish a wall of fame for your children. Each day the children's papers are collect in a folder. At the end of the week your child gets to pick out their favorite on of the week. That picture gets put on the wall of fame. This helps our children learn how to let go of things too. Then teach them how to address a manila envelope and send the rest of them to one of their grandparents. Then next week you put last week's paper in a notebook and display the new one. At the end of a year you have 52 papers instead of a huge overwhelming box.
Now here is the secret to having this work and not become clutter for the grandparents. You have to give them permission to recycle them after they enjoy going through them.
- FlyLady
Monday, November 24, 2008
Care of the duster...
Dear FlyLady,
I am looking for the link to how to care for the feather duster.
Thank you.
C.
Dear Friend,
If you just put your feather duster in the closet and don't use it and take care of it; you are going to lose it.
Here are the use and care instructions for our dusters. The link to our instructions is always on our homepage.
http://flylady.net/pages/FlyDuster1.asp
The dusters are supposed to be used not just stuck in a closet to let the dust mites eat it up.
It is all about making something fun. Whatever duster you use your attitude has to change with it. Dusting can be fun if
you think it is. Our dusters are ostrich feathers if you buy one someplace else make sure it says ostrich on it. Nothing works better.
When we first designed our duster; my friend was sheet rocking her basement stairwell. Sheet rock dust was everywhere. She was amazed at how well it worked. We were sold on our new tool.
Now I never dreamed that someone could shake their duster 22 times. This is a great testimonial that is at the end of this message. I didn't even know our dusters could do this. The key is to keep shaking that duster outside. Hey if it get too dirty all you have to do is shake it good and put a bit of baby shampoo on it and swish it around in warm water. Blot it dry and then blow dry it. It gets so poofy then. The reason ostrich feathers work so well is because they have no oil in them and they use all the little feathers to attract the dust. Our Feather Duster Dude taught us this.
Continue to take those babysteps. I don't want you crashing and burning from dusting all night even if it is fun. Feather dusting my whole house takes 2 minutes.
We have posted some pictures of the duster in action.
http://flylady.net/pages/FlyShop_Gifts2.asp
http://flylady.net/pages/FlyShop_Gifts1.asp
If you want to see what your duster looks like when it is wet: Give it a little bath and blow dry it. Let's just say it looks as pitiful as a wet kitty. But 5 minutes with the blow dryer it will poof right out. Taking care of our tools is important.
Dear FlyLady,
This item it just so awesome! I never knew???? As a child, my mother would make us dust and or hand wash every surface and knick knack (which were in extreme abundance) twice a month on Saturday morning before we could watch cartoons or play. I HATED DUSTING!!! Upon moving out, I avoided it as much as possible. Then I turned to my dusting wand on my vaccuum. Didn't work too well, but I WAS dusting. LOL
When I started getting your newsletter, about 2 weeks ago, I was reading your website and hearing all the wonderful comments about the dusters. Then, when I signed up for the meeting here locally in March, I didn't want to be the only one without one, so I ordered the large one. It came yesterday! I was bushed after working all day, but I wanted to give this NEW thing a try, thinking it would prove what I always suspected, DUSTING IS WORK!
Well, you have definitely proved me wrong! I got soooooo excited I called my mother in Nebraska, I live in Illinois. She just laughed! She doesn't understand, but I plan to buy these for Christmas presents! I dusted my whole house, closets, ceilings, air returns, behind the washer and dryer, the furnace room, EVERYWHERE!!! I had to shake it out 22 times!!!!! The house smells so much fresher! My allergies are very bad today,due to all of my vigorous dusting, but I know that will improve greatly now.
I just had to write and thank you! At 45 I have found, you CAN teach a not-so-old dog a new trick!
Flying on now,
FlyBaby C.
- FlyLady
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